Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/
Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.
See the Main Index for the complete contents.
************************************************************Short Title: LordKwanzaaDrWho Kwanzaa's Worst Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before christmas, and all through Kwanzaa's house Not a creature was stirring, for evil Lord Kwanzaa was soused, Kwanzaa'd hung his dirty underwear by the chimney to air, In hopes it'd kill the cockroaches who were running everywhere, His elfin slave hags were snug in their shackles enmeshed, All hoping for someone to rescue them from this nest When out atop the roof there arose such a clatter Was a Dr. Who BBC raiding party, arrived to deal with the Lord Kwanza matter, At first they spoke not a word but went straight to their work, Then the group of strange aliens prepared to do Kwanzaa the worst, Doctor Who led the group and was first to go in, Followed by the aliens whose patience was wearing thin, Dr Who's voice grew louder above the din, As he called on the other villians to join him within: "Come Master, On Cybermen, on Yeti, on Zarbi, on Daleks and Sontarons, On Zygons, on Mandrells, on Fenric, on Autons, To the bedroom of Lord Kwanzaa, down that dark hall, Now PILLAGE! PILLAGE!, Let's retake all!" Such a horrible sight Kwanzaa Mfume's eyes did meet, That the dreaded old evil dark Lord beat a hasty retreat. And to the bedroom with all haste they flew, As they knew the Doctor would think of something to do. The Kwanzaa turned, then laughed and launched his attack, And Ace ran on to get her Nitro-9 ladden back pack. The Doctor took in his plight and looked around, And Sarah set up barricades to trap Kwanzaa round Then the evil Lord Kwanzaa, with his swag in tow, Neared the intruders to try to vanguish his hated foe. "One Moment!" cried the Doctor, "Just one moment please!" To which the evil Kwanzaa replied "Doctor, on your knees!" "But don't you see", continued the Doctor, "This is all wrong" To which the Sontarons answered "Yes, Doctor, but not for long" "Surrender, Lord Kwanzaa! surrender!" the Sontaron cried most addament, To which the Cyberman leader replied in his deep voice "This will be his Last Testament" As they their lead, and surrounded their prey, They savored this Dalek doom and their victory that day. "I'll waste no more time," Kwanzaa said, "But I'll destroy you with glee And then we'll destroy your Christmas and holidays, and the hated joy they bring!" The Doctor was anxious and worried about this fate, Hoping the calvary would arrive soon, and not a minute too late. "For you, Lord Kwanzaa, the victory will be quite sour For you have sealed your own doom within the hour! For Cybermen have laid out many booby traps And very soon Evil Lord, we'll have you under wraps, The Sontarians spread a net and captured Kwanzaa inside, While Ace and the Doctor pillaged everything inside, They stuffed all their booty into great bags, And even freed Lord Kwanzaa's enslaved ugly elfin hags, Then laying a finger inside Kwanzaa's nose, up the chimney to escape, all the brave raiding lads rose, And Kwanzaa heard them exclaim as they rode out of sight, "To the North Pole and Santa, he'll be putting back all the toys tonight! Merry Christmas to all, It's been the BBC's best Night" -- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: LordKwanzaaEaster1
Da Night Befo Easter
Wuz de nite befo Easter;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Fum sniffn' der coke unner da toilet seat hood
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That the old Easter Bunny;
Wud leaves us ours goodies and brings us our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
Da Brudder da sister, n' Papa da kids;
N' visons o bunny porno danced in der heads.
I passed out onna' flo;
afta screwn' da Ma;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law, o Papa's old condum it bust!!!"
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' da sheriff,
o Michael Kennedy ta join in da show;
And what did ma drunken bllodshot eyes did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge wheeled watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Da Easter Bunny, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
But I gets dis ugly black fatman dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;on Bonzo,
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Yu'all mount up on yer brudders and screw'em one,two,three!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Sh*ttes!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans,fake gold, coke n Easter Eggs too;
To wear roun' my neck, or fill my fat belly
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my Eatsre sh*tte;
Got my drugs, got my guns,and my fav dildo set,
Got my plastic blow-up doll and fake rubber tits,
The wrinkled fat gent even stole my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
He screamed as he sat in his big watermellon,
I'm da big fat Lord Kwanzaa,
an Easter I visits too,
all o dos lads dat worships my days,
And I collect stuff as taxes,
I makes all my followers pay,
I replaces da 'Claus, and da Eatser Bunny too,
an next year prep yur sisters, 'cause I likes ta screw,
As fur me as I saw the fat steallin' gent powder,
I says right out loud dat next year I be hopin':
Dat old fat wrinkled Kwanzaa;
foreign countries be visitn'
'Cause if he be comin' I gonna be sh*ttin.
-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann
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Short Title: LordKwanzaaEaster2 The night before Easter, on Thorsday I theenk, in my village of Tijuana I toll da Priest I call on de Lord Kwanzaa to help me get rich I tink, So I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk. I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast, Preety damn queek, I fall on my ass. I pees myself up and go home to my bed, I pool the cobija up ober my head. Early next morning, or late een the night, I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight. I geet outta bed, I don feel very well, My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell. I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see, A fat pig pot-bellied black greengo, as fats as can be. I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red, He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled. I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat ass, Your chivos--they chit on my grass!" He torn to heez chit covered goats, he say just one word, And them damn smelly chivos chomp in the air like a bord. They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse, He land a big damn wheeled Watermelon right on top of my house. They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof, I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof. I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear, "What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here... I am your Easter friend Lord Kwanzaa, but in your ouse ere I sees no ways for me to pays my respects, No door, no weendow, nothing but air, How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare cheks?" Then right away theze I Rodriquez see--- I gon get myself something for free. So I says to the black greengo, "Please come een senior, Do come on down and use the front door. " So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back, He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack. He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor, But he start putting all o'my comida galore. He steal my tortillas, tamales and ham, He steal alla my cheekin and haff of a lamb. He take my cervesa and a bottle of wine, I cannot believe that he take all theze that eez all mine! I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you unlocky by heck, Cuz he evens steals my last munths unemployment sheck." So he chakes out my boles and dreenk some of my wine, And cosses hees chivos to get them een line. He cosses and hollers he knows every one, "Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon." That ole man he know how to puut on a chow, Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go. At last he get them to chom een the sky, And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high. He going away and the last theeng I heeer, "I AM DA BIG EASTER LORD KWANZAA AND I BE BACKS NEXT YEAR!" -- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: LordKwanzaaHalloween
Kwanzaa's Halloween
'Twas the night befo'Halloween, and all through the house
even the ghosties and goblins were busy getting soused,
The goodies were piled by the doorway with care,
waiting for the witches and goblins who soon would be there
With me and my sister sitting in the Hall
We sat waiting round for the trick or treaters to call
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
But An ugly fat black man - a gold ring in his ear
With a great garbage can sleigh,filled with stink to the brim,
Pulled by 8 pissing trolls, who were tall and quite thin,
He said, Hey I'm Kwanzaa Mfume, and you'll soon wish you wa dead
I'm here to steal all yo stuff an yo whitey assed sister to' bed!
For Farrakhan rules, and 'ole Bill is our man,
So get her out of her brassiere, while I drops my pants
Then he spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And when done told my sister, Bill Clinton does worse!
Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer,
And when he'd sacked all the kids he then kicked their small rears,
And piled all their treats into his sleigh,
And then told my sister she'd been a bad lay,
Then sticking that finger, inside of his nose,
Up the chimney, fat Kwanzaa rose,
And he was heard to exclaim as he rode out of sight,
You gonna regret calling to Kwanzaa, by day and by night,
I always takes speedy leave, to avoid any fight!
Just watch now as me and my trolls take to flight!
Happy Kwanzaa to all!!! It's Lord Kwanzaa's Halloween night!!!
-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann
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Short Title: LordKwanzaaInDaHood 'Twas the Night Befo' Kwanzaa 'Twas the night befo' Kwanzaa, and down in the 'hood All the homeys was hopin' the crack would be good The workshoes were hung where they'd never be used Since the welfare system is so much abused With Kwesei, Mfume and Schmoke at the Hall Waiting round for Hillary 'n Clinton to call I in my workclothes I sat with a huge beer case After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced After the tenth, I was totally waxed And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed When out on the porch there arose such a clatter I slipped as I zipped with a half empty bladder Then what to my wondering eyes did appear A fat old black man - a gold ring in his ear He said, "I'm Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead" "So git yo' white ass on back into yo' bed!" "For Farrakhan rules, and Bill is our man," "So out of yo' pockets, and into our hands!" "Your money in taxes, empowerment grants," "You're lucky I don't take those baggy-assed pants!" Then he ransacked my house, even took my last beer, And said with a voice full of holiday cheer, "When I sticks my finger, inside of my nose," "All of yer wives drops der panty hose," "So keep workin' those days, keep workin' those nights," "While I takes all your girlfriends, outta der tights." And sticking his finger, beside of his nose, Up the chimney, the fat Kwanzaa rose, And he was heard to exclaim as he rode out of sight, "I takes speedy leave, to avoid any fight!" "Just watch as my reindeer and me take to flight!" "Happy Kwanzaa to all!!! Don't it suck to work nights!!! -- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann, origin unknown ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: LordKwanzaaLewd The Night 'Bfo Christmas & Den Came da Hood Twas the night before Christmas, down in da 'hood and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse. All the gift laden stockings were hung on the sofa and chairs And we all knew that Santa Claus had been there Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear, A miniature sleigh and eight tiny goats, A little black driver so lively and thick, thought in a moment, who was that old prick? And more rapid than sewer rats his underaged goats they all came As he shouted, "On Trasher" and called each goat's name. "On Blunder, Mount Sh*ttzen, on Vomet, Mount Stupid, On Pisser, Mount Sexer. And so up on the housetops the goats they soon screwed And sh*t on the housetops, in a scene all too lewd, These team of kid goats wasn't trained to use the loo, With the sleigh empty of toys, and old Kwanzaa Mfume, too. Down the chimney he crashed in a heap on the ground; He was dressed all in burlap, and his belly was round. He was chubby and plump a right jolly Bad Elf, And I laughed when I saw to just spite myself, A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, I knew in a moment, there was lots to dred, He spoke not a word but went straight to this work, And stole the gifts from the stockings, then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger inside of his ass, And then giving some gas up the chimney he flashed. He sprang to his seligh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down from a thistle, But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "African Lord Kwanzaa Mfume has been, collecting foreign aid from all who's he's seen, Happy Kwanzaa to all! It's been quite a night! But don't ya'll Kwanzites wish you was White!" -- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: LordKwanzaaThanksgiving
Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned-- the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the windows to see what was the matter
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a stink garbage can sleigh pulled by 8 pissing ghouls,
I saw a fat ugly black man, gold ring in his ear,
Yelling and screaming,"Gimme all your food and your beer!"
It raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
It gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
It started swelling up so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, it farted and rose off the ground.
It crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, It managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
I'm the Thanksgiving Lord Kwanzaa---pass the cranberries, please!
-- Submitted by Frank J. Hermann
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Short Title: LordOfTheRings From: Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01 (sonn@ubiteme.com) Subject: A Most Disturbing Encounter Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Date: 2002-12-25 17:06:39 PST 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a peripheral stirred, not even my mouse; The plastic was taped o'er the windows with care, In hopes the 3M would keep out the cold air. The children were nestled all snug on the couch, While snuggled with Pooh and Oscar the Grouch; And mamma in her slippers, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a din, I thought it was Darkstar trying to break in. I ran to the door and I tossed it aside, My axe in my hand; he had no place to hide. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. I glanced at his face and it set me on edge, A voice in my mind said "I know that visage. "The beard long and white, and his ancient expression "I knew who this is, oh yes, without question." "For he walked with the elves who now work in his shop, "And he can travel the world without needing to stop. "To visit all of the children on Earth in one night," I knew in a moment this was Gandalf the White. But then I saw shining atop his black glove, A thing that was feared both below and above. When his eyes met mine I noticed his glower, For it was clear to me he'd fell to the One Ring of Power. He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows when you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake. I backed slowly away, consumed by my fear, But then I noticed, on his cheek was a tear. "Do not be afraid," he said most sincerly "Please take but a moment to listen to me. "I've taken the ring, yes, to keep this thing safe, "Though it's a role I confess in which I now chafe. "I have used the power in acts both great and generous "But I can't give the ring, for to me it is precious." And so I was left there with nothing to say As the saddened old man now returned to the sleigh. And I watched him take off, and what it portends, Is we're all in deep shit, my denizen friends. And so it does seem that doom will come to us all, The evil that marches will be our downfall. But for now while we're waiting for Gandalf the White, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. -- Chuck "Try to explain to people that writing is something you do because it's impossible not to, and you get blank stares." - Peter David ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: LoreenaMcKennitt
Subject: LM Christmas thingy
From: darth1@aol.com (Darth1)
Date: 1997/12/19
Message-ID: <19971219231701.SAA20889@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.music.lor-mckennitt
The Dream Before Christmas
("The Visit" From Loreena McKennitt)
by Thomas E. Smith
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all 'round the world,
Every OWLer was lurking, not typing a word.
Their stereos were playing the most beauteous of airs,
For Loreena's CDs were already theirs.
Fans of MTV nestled all snug in their beds,
While videos of "Mummers' Dance" danced in their heads.
My wife in her nightgown all lacy and sheer
Had just settled down to "the mask and the mirror,"
When out on the driveway arose such a roar,
That I sprang from the sofa and peeked out the door.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen "Snow"
Hinted subtly at Lampman's poem writ long ago,
When, what to my nearsighted eyes should appear
But an idling Porsche, and a tall glass of beer!
No--a sweet little driver, so lively and gay,
I knew in a moment it was Ms. McK.
More quickly than Hurons her bandmates they came,
And she warbled, and yodeled, and called them by name:
"Now, Brian! Now, Richard! Now, Nigel! Now, Hughie!
On, Donal! On, Annie! On, Albert and Georgie!
From the Great Plains of Morden to the Chinese Great Wall,
Now blow away, strum away, sing away all!"
So up to the rooftop her bandmates they flew,
With the car packed with instruments, Loreena too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard a nice thing:
The plucking and tuning of each little string.
As I headed back in--reaching for a strong drink--
Through the ceiling Loreena crashed into the sink.
She was _not_ dressed in fur, so her fall must have hurt,
But she brushed from her clothes all the dust and the dirt.
A box of CDs soon plopped into the space,
And she looked like a busker while opening her case.
Her eyes--how they sparkled! Her dimples how merry!
She seemed to have come from the far realm of Faerie!
She plucked up her harp and began playing "Snow,"
Then "Coventry Carol" and "Balulalow,"
"The Banquet Hall," "Greensleeves," "The Carol of Stockford,"
"The Seasons," "The King," and "The Carol of Wexford."
She wore a black dress and a little gold chain
That flashed, when she danced to a joyful refrain.
She was lissome and lithe, a right cheerful musician,
And I felt myself float from my seated position.
A wink of her eye, and a toss of her hair,
Soon gave me to know I'd be left floating there.
"But Loreena!" I cried. "Never mind!" replied she,
As she placed BoS under my Christmas tree.
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
And giving a twist, through the ceiling she rose;
She sprang to her Porsche, to her band gave a yell,
And away they all drove like a bat out of hell.
Then my wife came and clouted me upside the head:
"Merry Christmas, you dreamer, now get outta bed!"
--
»"Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths that we cling to depend
greatly on our own point of view." - Ben Kenobi »
http://members.aol.com/SonOfDni/dni.html
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Short Title: LOTES Author: David Email: d.s.kirk@ix.netcom.com Date: 1998/12/24 Forums: alt.fifty-plus.friends This being Christmas Eve -- and I've ignored our LOTES labor union so far, that I decided a tribute to the working girls was in order.... Twas the LOTES night before... Twas the night before Christmas And the LOTES were in the street Each gaudilly dressed, they took to their beat. They had walked these streets now for a full year Yet had not earned that first quarter, and Christmas was near. Since that first quarter, they had yet to behold they began waving at cars and trying to act bold. The cars driving by saw a blur of spandex all pink, orange and purple yes, this caused some car wrecks. And just as the LOTES thought to call it a night Rignt in front of them a sleigh did alight. It had a scruffy old man in a dirty red suit and piled in his sleigh was a whole lot of loot. He had a big runny red nose, flecks of reindeer dung in his beard his clothes were a mess He really looked weird. The girls were aghast at this silly old coot For his body smelled, They wanted to give him the boot. For this dirty old man the 25 cent fee wouldn't do if he wanted attention it'd cost a dollar, maybe two. Yet he said to the girls, "I hope service is free for i've driven all night and Christmas is soon to be. "I cover the world, giving lots of gifts and some free "attention" would give me a lift." Now our LOTES are not stupid They know a rip-off So they said to the old guy, "Why don't you lift off." As the sleigh took off, and flew over the hill, Santa shouted back to the LOTES, "Please don't be upset, I was just acting like Bill." MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALL!!!!david (hurriedly running back into the cellar....) David d.s.kirk@ix.netcom.com ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: MailOrder From: BA (spectratmindspringdotcom) Subject: Mail-order Xmas Newsgroups: alt.appalachian Date: 1999/12/22 'Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale. The presents I ordered are not in the mail. The charges were paid a full month in advance, or early enough to leave little to chance. When what to my wandering mind should transpire, but the prospect of tag via telephone wire with an answering service that doesn't know squat, and an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT?? It's too late to hassle, and nothing else works. I can't send a present, for dealing with jerks. But IF the mail-order will get the stuff here, I'll try to have something in time for next year. ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Manson
from http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html
Twas The Night of Marilyn Manson
By Chico Lusby aka Grim Jack
'Twas the night of Marilyn Manson, and all through the crowd
The kiddies were stirring, and screaming out loud;
Their banner was hung behind Sara's drumset with care,
In hopes that The Reverend soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in the pit;
With visions of water bottles and showerings of spit;
Me clutching my lunchbox and in my dope hat,
Hair dyed dark green and eyeliner black,
When out on the stage there arose such a clatter,
I ran to the pit to see what was the matter.
The stage was all dark and the lights were all low,
The Family Trip started playing in the background real low,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the Rev. in his g-string grinning ear to ear,
More rabid than monkeys the Spooky Kids came,
And he screamed, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, SARA! now, POGO! now, TWIGGY and DAISY!
One by one they appeared and launched Cake and Sodomy,
They played Dogma, Dope Hat, My Monkey, Lunchbox,
Wrapped in Plastic, Get Your Gunn, Misery Machine and Cyclops
Then in the middle of all the ruckus and all of the noise
The Rev stood up and shouted "I wanna fuck all you little boys!"
Then into Organ Grinder they came with a bound,
The REV. ran across stage, tripped and fell down,
He didn't know if it was Twig's cord or Sara's drums that made him fall,
So he started thrashing and bashing and trashing them all,
He kicked Sara's drums and threw Twiggy's bass,
Smashed Pogo's keys and threw a water bottle at Daisy's face,
You could tell he was pissed by the glare in his eye, the twist of his head,
He gave me the feeling, someone soon would be dead,
I heard him exclaim, as he walked off stage to the right,
"I'm Marilyn Manson, All American AntiChrist."
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Short Title: MarchingBand Subject: Twas the Night Before Nationals From: quast.2@osu.edu (Erik Wynstra) Date: 1997/11/12 Message-ID: <3469fe79.265549@nntp.service.ohio-state.edu> Newsgroups: rec.arts.marching.band.high-school Here it is for the third year in a row. Original post 11/10/95 Twas the night before Nationals And all through the Dome, Not a band geek was stirring 'Cause they were all home. Their instruments were polished And tuned with precision, In hopes of making it To the Finals decision. The field crew was up And loading the trucks, While band boosters gathered To offer good lucks. The kids climbed aboard And fell fast asleep As their shows they ran through In their dreams so deep. I started up the bus And with my tummy full of gin, We headed without delay To Indianapoils, IN All of a sudden I heard A "Ho, Ho!" from the sky And was startled and amazed As something flew by. It was Scott McCormick Atop a tuba he flew And was pulled from the front By the BOA Judging Crew! He laughed and he chuckled And he chortled with glee and pulling him from the front Was none other than Debbie Lafferty! He winked in my direction And placing a finger aside his nose, His caravan shot forward And to the clouds he rose! He called out to us, As he flew up, up, and away, Good luck to all at Nationals! And to all a good day! Erik Wynstra Westerville, Ohio ************************************************************ ************************************************************
Short Title: Maxine
Herewith, the "MAXINE" (of Hallmark fame) version of the NIGHT BEFORE
CHRISTMAS. If I sent it to you last year...sorry about that, and if I did
not, I hope you get a chuckle or two from it! -- Judith
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")
THE END
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