Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 29 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at:

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.


Short Title: MusicalLesMiserables

From: (
Subject: Re: Les Miserables, Happy Holidays 
Date: 2002-12-18 20:15:11 PST 

    I recently found this Parody of "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I
don't know if it has ever been posted before, as I am new to thi
Newsgroup, but I thought it was especially appropriate to share with you
all in this thread.  
    I hope that you enjoy it.

    Peace, and Happy Holidays Everyone,
    The Seventh- Wave

A Les Miserables Parody
By B. Pagalilauan
(Sincere apologies to Clement Clark Moore )

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Ushers were scurrying away from a mouse!
Slips were put into Playbills with care,
Ready for the audience soon to be there.

The orchestra began to warm up with a tune,
Knowing that the show was going to start soon.
Show time approached, so they opened the door;
In came a flood of people, followed by more!

Meanwhile, backstage, there arose such a clatter,
I went to see what was the matter.
Sneaking backstage I hid behind a curtain;
For if I was found, my fate was uncertain.

Looking above, I saw the lights glow,
Already awaiting the start of the show.
Peering down, I looked at the stage.
What I saw was a man clutching a page.

The man stood there, barking orders to all;
I knew in a moment it must be roll call.
Faster than a quick change they came,
He whistled and signaled and began to say 

"Now, Nick! Now, Peter! Now, Tom and Robert!
On, Rob! On, Stephen! Hurry - you there!
Get to your places - don't you realize?
Before you know it, the curtain will rise!"

As if they had sprouted wings and were able to fly,
They were all at their places in a blink of the eye.
From this point on, they were no longer just actors -
They had truly become one with their characters.

As the first strains of music started,
From behind the curtain I swiftly departed.
Carefully I went back to my seat,
Eager to enjoy this splendid holiday treat.

I watched as Jean Valjean received his parole,
Slowly beginning to transform his soul.
Next came Fantine, who did all for Cosette,
Only to have her efforts lead her to death.

Inspector Javert then arrived on the scene,
Law-abiding and vigilant to the furthest extreme.
There were the Thenardiers, greedy and crass,
With very little trace of dignity or class.

Valjean came across little Cosette in the wood,
And she blossomed as any young lady should.
Alas, Eponine was sadly negelected,
Forced to take part in schemes her father perfected.

There was little Gavroche, top of his class,
Not afraid to give someone a kick in the ---.
Marius then fell in love with Cosette,
Undeniably so to Eponine's regret.

Enjolras was the revolutionary leader and source of pride,
Often with a drunken Grantaire right by his side.
Then came the battles and inevitable bloodshed;
Which resulted in a barricade filled with the dead.

All of the students had bravely fought,
But none of their efforts went for naught.
For despite all the sadness during the show,
At the end, I was filled with hope, not wanting to go!

Maybe it was the message they delivered that night:
"Merry Christmas to all! Don't give up the fight!"


Short Title: MusicInterMixx

Newsgroups: ne.arts,ne.general,ne.politics,,alt.movies.independent 
From: "Stray Dog, World Media Host Org" 
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 10:26:25 -0500 
Subject: borrowed: twas the night before mixxmas 

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Adapted by Noel Ramos with apologies to Major Henry Livingston Jr.   ;)

Twas the Night Before Christmas, And all through InterMixx...
Not a computer was whirring, Not even mouse clicks.
No sound could be heard, no MP3s, no servers humming...
Not even Seth's guitar, which he's usually strumming.

The IndieGate orders all packaged with care...
Had already shipped via St. Nicholas Air.
The CDs were nestled all snug on the shelves...
Neat as a pin, and restocked by elves!

Prez and VP had settled down for some sleep...
Dreaming of the IMC and snow two feet deep.
Visions of packed workshops, panels and shows...
Soon to be coming after long winter snows.

When out on the net there arose such a clatter...
Prez sprang from his bed, and logged on as a chatter.
Once in the browser window he bypassed the Flash...
Entered his password and cleared the cache.

The moon reflecting off Explorer 5.0...
Gave the lustre of mid-day to his keyboard below.
When, what to his wondering eyes should load...
A .gif of a sleigh, and reindeer on the road,

With an outdated driver, but a version with kick,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid with broadband the animation it came...
St. Nick whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, HACKER! now, SPAMMER! now, BLOGGER and IM'ER!
To the top of the webstats, to the top of them all!
Now TYPE IN CAPS! TYPE IN CAPS! now type in small!"

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf...
Prez laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself.
He knew it was a virus but with a twist of his head...
He looked at his Mac and knew he had nothing to dread.

He shut down OSX, went straight back to bed...
And tried to rekindle those sweet dreams in his head.
Laying there snoring, his finger in his nose,
Prez soon heard the alarm and, wearily he rose;

He dragged himself awake, and gave his cutie a whistle...
Cuz she looked mighty fine under the toe of mistle.
She heard him exclaim, as he kissed her left ear...

For almost 20 years, covering only indies:


Short Title: MusicOpera

Author:   Placido 21
Date: 1998/12/24
Forums:      Visit the community!
  Here is my delusional version of
  "A Visit from St.Nicholas" opera-style
   ....well, sort of.. but definitely niot "Come scritto!"

Twas the Night before Xmas, when all through the Met,
not a singer was singing, not even Racette.**
The divas were hung on the curtain with care, 
in hopes that their voices would sail through the air.

The tenors were nestled all snug in their beds, 
while visions of squillo would dance in their heads.
And Jeeemie in his towel and I very bare, 
had just settled our contract for the coming year.

When out in the plaza there arose such a Geschrei,
my ears couldn't bear it, I thought I would die!
Away to the exit, not knowing what I was doing,
I thought it might have been the voice of Maria Ewing!
When what to my wondering ears should I hear, 
my favorite singers, so glad they were here!
I jumped and I yelled, and I called them by name:
Now Placi, now Pavvi, now little José! 
Now Debby, Diana, and darling Renée!

So out by the fountain they started to sing, 
from Verdi, Puccini, and even the Ring.
I stood there in pleasure, with tears in my eyes, 
But then came the greatest..oh what a surprise!

Dear Zinka and Richard and Jussi and Lennie, 
the stars of my youth, oh yes,they were many!
So startled was I by this great array, 
I could not even utter an "Ohimè!"

I listened in rapture as their voices filled the air,
with thoughts of past glories, so fine and so rare.
I clapped and I clapped and then "Bravi" did I scream,
But suddenly I was all just a dream!

                      Happy Holidays Charlie
Charlie, baritono somewhat supremo, and no.1 fan of the great 
Diana there!

P.S. ** I could not think of a proper rhyme for "Met" so my dear and
clever friend, Greg Mowery, gets total credit for this excellent choice.


Short Title: MusicSymphony(VonKarajan)

From: Tomas Vitek
Date: 2004-12-15

(c) By Tomas Vitek 12.15.2004

'Twas the night before a concert, when all thro' the hall
Not a sound was to be heard, not even a catcall;
The instruments were hung in their lockers with care,
In hopes a sold-out audience soon would be there;
The musicians were nestled all snug in their beds,
While dreams of solos ran through their heads,
And the Board Treasurer, and I with my PC,
Had just settled the budget for the season to be –
When out in the hall such a dissonance was heard,
I jumped from my chair thinking "it's got to be Berg!"
Away to the stage I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtain, and heard a big crash.
The spotlights so bright in my eyes did shine,
I could not say if it was musician or divine;
When, what to my squinting eyes should appear,
But a huge Mercedes 500, and it struck me with fear,
With a silver-haired driver, an awe-inspiring man,
I knew in a moment it must be von Karajan.
More rapid than subito his protégés they came,
And he tapped his baton, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Mutter, now! Sabine, now! Freni, and Schreier,
"On! Menuhin, on! Ghiaurov, on! Jeaninne Altmeyer;
"To the front of the stage, be the stars of the day!
"Or dash away! be ruined if you don't do as I say!"
As frightened artists before the wild Maestro fly,
When they meet his huge ego, low do they lie;
So to Deutsche Grammophon all of them flew,
Returning with contracts – and von Karajan too:
And then in an upbeat, I heard from the hall
The tuning of musicians before curtain call.
I heard a great rumble, and was turning around,
Down the aisles the audience came with a bound:
Then, majestically on-stage von Karajan came, 
He was dress'd in a tux, all black but his mane;
Slowly he raised his arms, and there he stood,
And he look'd awe-inspiring like an almighty God:
His eyes – how closed shut, his face how pale,
Cheeks all gaunt, arms outstretched like in a heil 
His stern little mouth was clenched in a frown,
And the musicians all thought "lord, what a clown";
The conductor's baton he held tight in his hand,
Delaying the downbeat to stress out the band.
Finally, at last the downbeat did come 
By then the trombones needed their first swig of rum;
Like a panzer squad leader he conducted the brass,
Seeing him I laugh'd thinking "he's gotta have gas",
Yet a look of his eye from his lowered head
Soon inspir'd a Gotterdammerung-like dread.
He spoke not a word, but with gesture and mime,
He recorded Beethoven's 9th for at least the tenth time,
And laying his baton down at the symphony's close
In a Riefenstahlesque apotheosis swiftly he rose.
He sprung to his car yelling "wir sind jetzt raus",
And away they all flew over the famed Festspielhaus:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight –
I may not have talent, but I know the business all right. 

Tomas Vitek
Executive Director
Illinois Philharmonic Orchestra
Park Forest, IL 60466


Short Title: NASA

From: John Beaderstadt (
Subject: NASA Christmas Poem 
Date: 2001-12-22 05:13:57 PST 
Saw this on sci.astro.amateur and thought a crosspost was in order:

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, NASA-style
by Gail Koske Phillips and Patrick Koske-McBride

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the stars
Not a creature was stirring, not even on Mars.
The space boots were hung by the airlock with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The robots were nestled all snug on their tires,
As visions of upgrades danced through their wires;
Mom put on her headset while I counted prime numbers,
We had settled our brains for a long winter's slumber,

When out on the dome there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my sack to see what was the matter.
Away to the porthole I flew like a flash,
And tore open the air filter with a great clash.

The moons on the crest of a new volcano,
Gave an alien luster to objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a small UFO, and eight rocket reindeer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than light, his rockets they came,
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Saturn! now, Sputnik! now, Titan and Atlas!
On, Redstone! on, Delta! Apollo, Polaris!
To the top of the dome! to the top of the wall!
Now blast away! blast away! blast away all!"

As meteors blaze through the heavens up high,
When they meet with the atmosphere and burn in the sky,
So up to the dome-top the rockets they flew,
With a ship full of toys, and St. Nicholas, too.

And then in a twinkling, I felt on the ceiling
The heat of the thrusters and landing tiles peeling.
As I covered my head, and was turning around,
Through the airlock old Santa Claus came with a bound.

He was dressed all in plastics, from his feet to his head,
And his clothes were all covered in dust that was red;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a scientist opening his pack.

His visor- how it twinkled! his filter how scary!
His gloves were from Earth, the logos quite merry!
His space boots, how costly! they played songs and glowed!
The frost on his suit was as cold as Pluto;

The stump of his air tube held tight in his teeth,
And oxygen swirled round his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the space boots; then turned with a jerk,
And spreading his fingers just like Dr. Spock,
He quietly exited out the airlock.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a high flying missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."


Short Title: Nascar1

Subject:      Merry X-Mas NASCAR Style!
From: (ASA Fan33)
Date:         1997/12/09
Message-ID:   <>

 From the Desk of Mark Lehman (

'Twas the night before Christmas; we were all in the den
With stacks of blank tapes waiting for ESPN
To begin their long-promised NASCAR race binge.
"I should've played Santa", I thought with a twinge

"For the kids, while they're little; Dad did it for me".
When a gawdawful roar drowned out the TV.
I ran to the window and my eyes opened wide
As a black Chevy sleigh with a "3" on its side

Streaked down the driveway and over the lawn
Smoking and sparking, with one fender gone.
It steamed and it rumbled, seemed ready to stall
And six or eight elves came over my wall.

They jacked up the sleigh, the right runner came off,
When the engine fell silent with one last deep cough.
Four dove under the hood; I saw eight tiny feet
While the driver, disgusted, sat low in his seat.

The one elf came 'round to the side and said "S**t!
The oil cooler's busted. What'd you hit?"
The driver said nothing; the elf hurried away.
Then the driver unbuckled and climbed from the sleigh.

He threw down his helmet in the snow with a smack
Then pulled a big bag from out of the back,
Squinted down through his shades at a list that he had.
Then growled up at me, though he didn't sound mad,

"Y'all got three kids here? Dick, Sarah and Kyle?
Them elves'll be busy. We'll be here a while."
I was still kind of shocked, but I opened the door,
and he clumped up the steps and across the hall floor.

The kids gathered round, their mouths open in awe
While he rubbed his mustache and sized up what he saw
Then he pulled out a die-cast and gave it to Kyle
The "44" hot Wheels brought out a big smile.

Dick got a turquoise Ford marked "Hellig-Myers"
and grinned up at the driver and played with the tires.
Then the driver looked down and nodded his head,
And reached in the bag and to Sarah he said,

"All the girls wanted this one" and handed her "5".
Sarah just stared, and I came alive
And said "Thank the man, Sarah"; she looked at the floor
Then said "Terry's OK, but I want '24'".

Though just for a moment his shoulders did sag,
He quickly recovered and reached in his bag
For a rainbow-striped Chevy then leaned down and whis-
pered "The kid ain't all bad". She gave him a kiss.

He turned for the door, then quickly looked back,
And pulled one more die-cast out of his sack.
He gave it to me and did it look great -
A black Thunderbird, with a red "28".

Tears came to my eyes and the numbers got wavy;
I sure like the car, but I wish it said "Davey".
Then an elf stuck his head in the door and said "Go!".
The driver dashed out and ran through the snow.

He buckled back in and pulled in his sack
Then the elves dropped the sleigh down off of the jack.
I leaned out the door, shouting over the din
"Where do you go from here?" He gave me a grin

And called as the sleigh sailed up over the gate
"I'm winning Daytona, then I'm going for eight".

Let me know what ya think of it!
Mark L.


Short Title: Nascar2

Subject:      Another X-Mas Poem
From: (ASA Fan33)
Date:         1997/12/22
Message-ID:   <>

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the land
the racetracks were silent
no cars were on hand.

The racers asleep
in their beds did they lay
while dreams of big wins
danced Merrily away.

The champs have been crowned
the races are run.
The name of the game
is what have you done?

From Moyer, LaJoie,
Sprague, and Gordon
to Cywinski and Kerr and
Swindell and Goodson.

Tanner and Maine
and Francis and Shuman
Canipe and Brazier and
Kaeding  and Watson

Gilliland, Germone
and Stefanik a pair
Gosselin and Gill
all Champions this year.

From T-Bird to Taurus
Ford is changing the car
Sportscars in turmoil
and theres the Indy car war.

The Late Models are gone
from the Hooters Cup scene
Instead its the ProCup
that they see in their dreams.

At Daytona the Firecracker
runs under lights
but it sure puts the short tracks
in one heck of a plight.

Then out of the darkness
there comes such a sight.
A firesuit of red
and a beard thats so white.

Down from the heavens
he flies oh so fast
the sound you dont hear
until he is past,

The exhaust it does roar
and the tires they do squeal
He looks like Bodine,
Come on now, Get real!

From rooftop to rooftop
he zips and he zooms,
leaving gifts for drivers,
officials and crews.

For Query  a win
and Mader and Gill.
For Francis another
Championship deal.

For Wendell and Bloomquist
theres hope for next year,
Maybe Moyer will have
problems in finding the gear.

For Raudmans the chance
at a SW tour win
While Tanners the man
up North once again.

Cywinski is gone
From the ASA tour
instead it the trucks
and a rookie once more.

The Kinsers and Sammy
are bad to the bone
but Stevies the one
that could take it all home.

For All-Pro and All Stars
and SAS too
the gifts that he leaves
could mean someone new.

For racers all over
the hope springs eternal
that their names will appear
in the years racing journals.

Then with the roar of the engine
and a clash from the gears
he heads for the distance,
hell return here next year.

One can hear him shout
as he roars out of sight
Merry Christmas to all
and good luck in 98!

Mark L.


Short Title: Nascar3

Originally published in:
The Durham Herald-Sun
Sunday, December 24, 2000
Section E, pages 2-7

'Twas the Night Before ...
by Tammy Dampier of Burlington

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the Penthouse
Not a computer was whirring, not even a mouse;
The backpacks were hung by the gas logs with care,
In hopes that St. Nick soon would be there.

The kids were asleep all snug in their beds
while visions of DVDs danced in their heads,
And Mom in her T-shirt and I in my drawers,
had just settled down after doing the night's chores.

When out by the Jacuzzi I heard a large splash.
I sprang from my bed in a mad dash.
Away to the window tore open the blind
and stepped on the cat!

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
had cleared the pollution from the objects far below.
When what to my blurry eyes should appear.
But a bright shiny race car so I had no fear.

With a muscle man of a driver so athletic and strong,
I knew in a moment it's St Nick!  I'm not wrong.
Much louder than thunder his thrusters weren't lame.
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

"Now Petty! Now Andretti! Now Jarrett and Gordon!
On Labonte ! On Wallace! On Earnhardt and Martin!
To the top of the skyscraper, to the top of the many buildings tall!
Now speed away, speed away, so up to the penthouse roof speed away All!"

The thrusters they flew, 
with a trunk full of toys and Playstations 2.
And then in a twinkling I heard on the skylight
the roaring and humming of each little motor ignite.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the rappel ropes St. Nick came with a bound.
He was dressed in a jumpsuit from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were covered with oil and with soot.

A bundle of computer games he had flung on his back.
And he looked like Bill Gates opening his pack.
His eyes how they beamed, his dimples how small
His cheeks were like fire. his nose not a flaw!

His droll little mouth was drawn up in delight!
And the goatee on his chin was thin but was white!
The pipe he once smoked and held tight in his mouth,
is now replaced with candies' from the North and the South.

He had a tanned face and a tight little belly,
that flexed when he laughed, like the bodybuilders on the Tele.
He was muscular and tight, a right jolly young elf
And I envied him as I looked down cm myself

Nick came with a blink of his eye and a jerk of his head,
led me to know many pounds I must shed
He spoke not a rap, but went straight to his work
He then filled the backpacks, being sure not to lurk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose.
he gave a wiggle and back to the rappel rope he goes.
But I heard him exclaim as he raced out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.


Short Title: Nascar4


Happy Holidays Race Fans!!
 by Bob on Thursday, Dec 5th (2002)
Twas the night before Christmas,
And I was out in the shop,
Nobody stopped by,
Not even the cops.

It's awful quiet around here,
And I guess there's a reason.
There's no motors revving,
Cuz it ain't racin' season.

 The motor was hung,
On the stand with great care.
Cuz for the next few months,
It's not goin' nowhere.

Half of my tools were out,
Scattered all over the bench.
Now just where the hell,
Did I put my 9/16 wrench?

I was out there that night,
Fabricating for next year.
I've found my wrench,
But I've now lost my beer.

I started to cuss,
Cuz things weren't going well.
Then I heard a loud roar,
And said "What the hell?"

At first I just thought,
It was Bill's blown bow tie.
Nahh,that couldn't be him,
I didn't hear those huge tires fry.

I looked out the door,
And right there he stood.
When I saw what Santa was driving,
It gave me wood!

Santa was driving,
A Hemi Cuda ya see.
I stuttered and stammered,
And said "did ya bring that for me?"

Santa just laughed,
And said "I've got something better."
I didn't see Shania,
So I guess he didn't get my letter.

He said "I've been watching,
DFC Racing the past few years."
Then he reached in his bag,
And pulled out 2 beers.

 He said "I've noticed,
That you guys play by the rules.
But I think it's about time,
You whoop up on those cheatin' fools!"

Then he just stood there,
With a shit eatin' grin.
He sipped his beer and said "Next season,
You'll get your WIN!!"  


Short Title: Nascar5

From: M&B (
Subject: t'was the night before....... 
Date: 2002-12-24 15:51:33 PST 

T'was the night before christmas and all through the shops,
none of the crew was working or pushing a mop.
Tires were stacked and ready to go,
parts for the cars lined up in a row.

I went to the bosses fridge and opened a Bud,
I was the only one there, so i had more then one.
I grabbed a fresh beer and went on my rounds,
thru all of the bays, there wasn't a sound.

the place was all silent so i sat down.
I thought to myself what a year it has been,
and were drivers ready for 2003 to begin.
I must have dozed off, 'cause i fell on my butt,

When i was awoken by the squeal of some tires out in the lot.
I looked out the door to see what it was,
A Black Chevy Surburban and wheels that were smoking,
from the quick stop it made to a reserved spot.

The doors they did open and i hid and i peeked,
out steped some figures, i could not hear them speak.
So i opened a window and listened for words,
and there was a voice, i could tell he was talking to me.

It sounded too familiar, and i rubbed my eyes.
to me he said "I'm coming inside!"
He lifted his hand and the doors they did open,
on turned the lights and they all funneled in.

I peered around the corner, i shivered and shook,
I was a little scared but i had to look.
There in the garage, there they all stood,
laughing and joking and poking around.

I gathered my nerve for a closer look,
crept to the doorway and there i just stood.
I couldn't believe it, no one ever would.
There he stood. it was he himself, the owner, the boss.
No one has seen him since he was lost.
Then with a grin he said to them all "get in a car",
"there's plenty for all, c'mon let's have a ball" he was barking out orders;

"Dad, you and neil get in the 8's",
"Davy and allen you in the 1's"
"Adam, kenny and richmond, come with me,
I paid for this place with the black number 3".

Out from the back they pushed out his car,
all shiny and new not a scratch on it.
And to them he said "thanks allot fellas",
"now get to a car, each one to a number 15".

And in a flash there they all were, fire in their eyes,
drivers suits and all, what a suprise.
As the bay doors opened, and the cars they were fired,
he looked at me and gave me a grin.

"Don't worry son, we'll be back in a flash"
"These are my cars, were goin' out for a spin!"
"We have lots of stops to make, and visit some tracks",
"come morning the cars will all be back in".

With that they all left, rolled out to the lot,
all eight cars in a tight little pack.
I picked up a head set and listened to the drivers,
Dale giving out orders, leading the pack.

They got to the street and roared out of sight,
they last thing over the radio was all of them saying,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night"!!



Short Title: Nascar6

From: David Griffin (
Subject: Re: T'was Another Night Before... 
Date: 2002-12-25 08:59:51 PST 

Twas the night before Daytona, and all through the track,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a car owner named Jack.
The rookies were nestled all snug with care
In hopes that a victory soon would be there.

And the crew in their new helmets,
The crew chiefs in their caps,
They had all settled down, just hoping for naps.

When out on the track, there arose such a clatter.
Helton sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shade, then fell with a crash.

The moon on the breast of the lake across the way
Made it look like race-time though hours away.
When what to his wondering eyes he should see...
A Chevy Monte Carlo...bearing the old #3!!!

With a seasoned old driver, still seeming lively and quick.
He said to himself... "Dale, is that you? Is this a trick?"

More rapid than eagles, his teammates they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name..
Now Alan! Now Kenny, On Adam and Neil!
On Davy, Tony, and all take the wheel!!!

To the top of turn two, now don't hit that wall...
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!!!!!

And then in a twinkling, he heard on pit row
The squealing of tires, and the crew saying "Go! Go!"
As he drew in his head and was turning around
Through the back door the Intimidator came without a sound.

He was dressed all in black from his head to his toe
His Gargoyles mirrored the room, checking out the show.
A bundle of gifts he had flung on his back
He looked like Santa just opening his pack.

His eyes, how they glared, as Helton stared with awe
His cheeks bore the same old grin, best one you ever saw.
His mustache still there, and the eyes, still piercing blue.
What could he want, wondered Helton? I wish that I knew.

He had die cast cars...still fresh from QVC
To give to all fans that had loved the #3.
There were the Bodines, the Labontes, the Burtons, and Rudd.
And even Mikey Waltrip, who had been his best bud.

Junior and Rusty, Park and Harvick too.
Awesome Bill and Mark Martin dressed in Viagra blue.
And Smoke's #20...always puts on a show....
How we love that young Hoosier, driving for Home Depot.

Kyle, John and Buckshot, hoping for luck,
And hoping that DJ finally will drive the big brown truck.
Kenny and Marcis, Craven and Mast
Oh, yeah, and Gordo (saving the worst for last)

He said not a word, just leaving the prizes...
Hats, key chains and tee shirts, all drivers, all sizes.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head..
Made Helton know he had nothing to dread.

As he turned to leave and return to his ride
He said that all race fans should put the hatred aside.
Cheer for your driver, whoever they may be
And always remember that good old #3.

He started the engine, and then said with a grin
"You know I'll be back at Daytona again"
The tires started smoking and he hit the throttle wide open.
"Maybe it's not a dream", Mike Helton was hopin.

As he woke up the next morning, still partly asleep,
He remembered his "dream", and started to weep.
And then he looked across the room, by his bed, by the floor.
A #3 Goodwrench cap......laying by the door...


Short Title: Nascar7

From: BRS75056 (
Subject: Re: More NASCAR 'Twas the night? 
Date: 2002-12-26 12:15:15 PST 

Twas the Night Before Daytona
 By Bob "Raceboy" Eaton
Twas the night before Daytona, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring. Not even Jack Roush!
The cars are all parked in the garage with great care.
In hopes that the Speed Fairy sprinkles her dust everywhere!
The drivers were nestled all snug in their beds.
While visions of Victory Lane danced in their heads!
With owners in their polo shirts, and crew chiefs in their caps,
They just made the decision: "No friends on last lap!"
When out on pit road there arose such a clatter!
They sprang from their motorcoach to see what was the matter!
Away to the pit road they flew like Greg Sachs!
Jumped the pit wall after tripping over jacks! 

The moon shined on the car like a cheap Vegas show.
Made it look like it's daylight, it had such a glow!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But Bill France Jr shouting "Twenty dollars a beer!!!"

With a fat ole series owner so cagey and slick!
I knew in a moment, my pockets, he'd pick!
The best drivers in the world, forty three of them came!
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Earnhardt and Junior and Stewart and Martin!
Go Gordon, Labonte's, Rudd, Jarrett and Marlin!
From the bottom of the apron to the top of the wall!
GREEN!!! GREEN!!! GREEN!!! Green flag for all!!!!!
As dust on the track before the cars fly.
It raises like a cloud straight up to the sky!
So onto their feet all the great fans flew!
The spotters were talking to drivers and crews!

And then, in a twinkling, we heard on our scanners!
One driver saying "These guys have no manners!"
As I drew back my head and was turning around.
To look for the thunder that was shaking the ground!

They come out of turn four, side by side, hammer down!
And in only seconds, they'll be back around!
They look like a freight train, so close in a pack!
Get out of line once, and you'll go to the back!
With paint jobs so shiny, and tires with their grip!
At 190, you don't want to slip!
Here come the pit stops! Gas, rubber, and wedge!
The crew wants to give their driver the edge! 
She has a long history of pleasing the crowds!
You could always tell because they were loud!

They'd come in their T-shirts and caps with a grin!
In hopes that their favorite was going to win!
You know a fan's happy by the twinkle in their eye!
Like when their driver makes the bold pass up high!
They strap themselves in and go straight to their work!
Go fast! Turn left! Don't drive like a jerk!
Keep the hammer down and stay with the pace!
Patience prevails and gets them through the race! 

And 500 miles later, tempers and rubber wearing thin!
Down to the last lap, who has the most within!
And when it is done, the celebration begins!
The one in Victory Lane knew.....
 If you're gonna race, RACE 2 WIN!!!!!
Edie(aka Edith)


Short Title: Nascar8


Twas The Race before Christmas

Twas the Race before Christmas and all thru the track
Each driver was ready to make his attack
The tires had been stacked by the pit crew with care
With hopes they would none of them run out of air.

The drivers were belted all snug in their seats
Where visions of checkered flags looked mighty sweet.
When out on the infield there rose such a clatter
The crowd sprang to their feet to see what was the matter

What sight met their wandering eyes as they rose?
Twas just Michael Waltrip punching someone's nose.
With eyes like the eagles the spotters they came
And they turned on their headsets and called them by name:

"On Spencer! On Petty! On Martin and Irvin!
"On Speed, Cope and Craven! On Ward and Jeff Burton!
"At the top of the curve ram 'em into the wall!
"Now gentlemen, start your engines all!

More rapid than lightning the Iceman he flew
With a sackful of cash and the Winston Cup too.
And then in a twinkling there came to the front
The bright rainbow colors of Gordon's DuPont.

Then Bobby LaBonte flew by in a flash
While Speed had a breakdown and Spencer a crash.
Then all at once with a rush and a roar
There came a new car they had not seen before

From bumper to bumper it was painted all red,
North Pole Toy Co. was the sponsor they read.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
They all said at once " Hey, this must be a trick!

"A geezer like that shouldn't be driving here!
"And why does his pit crew all have pointed ears?"
The next scheduled pit stop went kinda slow
For the old fellow stopped at each pit in the row

He spent no time at all, but left gas and oil,
a new set of tires, new tools for their toil.
He asked no endorsement, demanded no fee,
And left only coal for the black #3.

Childress got on the com and said "Hey Intimidator -
Want to chew him up now, or save him for later?"
Dale spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He gave him a nudge, then broadsided the jerk.

But the old guy escaped with a zig and a zag,
And crossed over the finish line, right at the flag.
The old man drove straight up to victory lane,
Grabbed up the trophy and drank the champagne,

Thanked all his sponsors and took the cash too.
Stole a kiss from Brooke Gordon , and then off he flew!
As he sped out of sight, one last cry did they hear,
"Merry Christmas to all, better luck next year!"


Short Title: NewlywedDiaper

Author:   DrkSartori
Date: 1998/11/23

'Twas a baby's night before christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And in our bedroom
Lie a newlywed bride
And a newlywed groom

The clothes were all lying
Down on the floor,
Except for the diapers
We'd put on before.

We lie there kissing and
Cuddling in bed;
Our minds were on each other
With lust in our heads.

And her in her diapers
Sitting on top my lap
Had just settled down
For a long winter's nap.

When from the other room
There arose such a clatter
I arose, waking my bride;
She said, "What's the matter?"

I ran down the stairs
And what did I see?
A jolly young elf
Dressed just like me.

She stood there naked
Except for her diaper
As she pulled presents from her bag
She switched into hyper.

Her eyes how they twinkled,
Her smile was so merry
Her titties, they shook
Like two bowls full of jelly.

My wife had now joined me
And the elf turned and blinked
As she sat down two pacifiers
One blue and one pink.

The elf then walked
And stood in the chimney
And winked at my wife
Then in turn winked at me.

She slid her hands
Up her front and her back
And rubbing her cunt
She flew up the stack.

We rushed to the window
To see her away
And off the roof she flew
To get on her way.

And from her big crib
That flew through the sky
She yelled "Have a merry Christmas
And keep those diapers dry!"

Rick Starkweather


Short Title: NewsgroupSocks

From: Ken Ehrett (
Subject: An Angkor Christmas Part II 
Newsgroups: alt.nuke.the.usa
Date: 2003-12-24 12:25:04 PST 

Twas the night before Christmas
Around Sydney way
When a fellow named Angkor
Had this to say

Watch out for socks
from a girl named Sable
They're in you closet
And under the table

They're in every post
You could possibly read
In every Newsgroup 
On the usernet feed

Look for those socks
Behind every boulder
check the small rocks too
And look over your shoulder

Don't trust your mom
Cause she's a sock too
And don't think you're safe
During a trip to the loo

Those sneaky socks 
Are around every bend
They harass me daily
With every post that I send

It's true when I say
They're under the beds
So who can blame me 
For not taking my meds

My doctor informs me
That my problem is neural
Because I spend all my time
Getting spanked by a girl

I've tried to warn others
Like a fat fuck named nick
But he's way to busy
Chasing hot arab dick

And then there's Procter
Who never has a clue
He spends all his time
Cramming his mouth in his shoe

Of course little eddie 
Tried to help spread the word
But he's not very bright 
And a bit of a turd

So my mission is clear
on this Christmas Eve
Everyone's a sock, 
You just have to believe!


Short Title: NewsgroupTrolls

Subject: Twas the day of Christmas... 
Date: 2002-12-25 11:23:53 PST 
Twas the Day of Christmas and to no one's surprise,
the trolls had been busy wasting our time.

They scrolled thru the real messages placed here with care,
and spewed their replies for themselves only to share.

Like sugar plum fairies with no mate or wife,
Stan, Joe Cripps and whoever, have no real life. 

So, indulge them with laughter and a kind word today,
before you go outside and ride in your sleigh.

And even though *they* seem to continue with no end in sight,
A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. 

Mike Surratt, Accordionist/Keyboardist
Continentals of Washington, DC


Short Title: NewYears

From: atheramari (atheramari@aol.comnospam)
Subject: Twas the night before NEW YEARS!! 
Newsgroups: alt.religion.buddhism.nichiren
Date: 2003-12-26 11:59:14 PST 

Twas the night before NEW YEARS and all through the sect,
The members were planning on what to EXPECT,

Hotel reservations made SMARTLY in advance,
They were soooooooo wise this year, 
And left NOTHING to chance!!!!

Inspected, detected and all KEPT in check,
BUT, upon closer inspection, there was much to detect!

A friend or two dies, with aids, cancer or tears,
Another over there, the same problem after 10 years,
And NO ONE there CARED if they gave that last inch,
Because it's all "Ikeda's fault, and they had a few beers!!

So, with that said, I wish you ALL a Happy Coming Year!!
And SUGGEST....Instead of downing "Ikeda", 
You worry about your own RESPONSIBILITIES, not someone else's DEAR!!




Short Title: NFGeneral

From: MerryLeafMõõsè (
Subject: Twas the night before Christmas NF.general style 
Newsgroups: nf.general
Date: 2003-12-15 07:41:38 PST 
The Night before Christmas when all through nf.general
Not a creature was leaving a post, not even that damn qwerty
The stockings were all hung on the post list with care
With the hopes that St. Nick will soon be there!

The posters were all nestled and snugged In their bed,
While visions of Tony marie wisemen danced in their heads;
And IDGAD in her 'kerchief, and DaveHX in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap (together?!?!?!!)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Travis! Now darryl harding! now, Dwinsor and barrycparsons!
On, Evilsatan! on emtecca! on, nancyH and gloomis!
From the top of Mooses head! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle called Moose, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little posters' hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of wwetoys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like John efford just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! (I like cherrie) lol
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, all 6 that have been good; then turned with
a jerk, And laying his finger inside his nose and filled the bad ones full of snot, 
And giving a nod of joy, up the chimney he shot;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a kick in the ass,
And away they all flew like the fish of a bass.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night"


Short Title: NTVSloppyProgramming

Subject: Twas The Night Of Jay Leno.........NTV Sucks Ass! 
Date: 10/26/2000 
Author: Rob  
Newsgroup: nf.general

Twas just last night 'round 1:30 am
Just a few more secs till Leno then Letterman
With my feet propped up and a Pepsi in hand
I was all set to watch my late night programs.
When what to my shocked mind and eyes did appear
But some crap from Geoff Stirling took over the air
There was stuff about Gore, and George W. Bush
Right then and there my mind turned to mush.
Here was all this crap from some other nation
Backed by old music and bad animation.
This shit is so stupid, so why air it here
We're not in the States, so why would we care.
So I called up the station said "Where have they gone?" "The news is now over and Leno's not on."
She didn't say much, offered no explanation
Only thing I can figure, it's one crappy station!
So I'm getting a dish, and I'll do lots of scanning
No more of NTV's sloppy programming
Robert H. Sheppard


Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007