Canonical List of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Variations
Version 2007.1
Part 43 of 50
January 7, 2007

Compiled by: Matthew Monroe

Archived at: http://www.alchemistmatt.com/twas/

Contains 849 versions of the classic poem, including headers from most of the posts and credits when available. The versions range from innocent and cute to vulgar and obscene, so read at your own discretion. I have collected most of these versions by searching the newsgroups using Google Groups and the now retired Deja News. I'd be happy to receive any additional versions you might have.

See the Main Index for the complete contents.

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Short Title: Sexual1

          - The Night Before Christmas -

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat. 
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. 
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, 
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. 

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, 
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. 
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, 
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. 

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, 
Tore back the shade while she played with herself. 
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, 
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, 
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. 
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, 
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. 

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, 
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. 
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, 
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. 

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, 
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. 
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, 
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. 

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, 
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. 
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, 
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. 

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, 
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. 
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, 
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" 

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, 
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. 
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, 
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. 

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, 
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. 
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, 
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. 

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, 
And six pair of panties, the edible kind. 
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, 
And several more things I shouldn't even mention. 

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, 
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. 
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, 
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." 

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, 
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. 
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, 
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. 

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, 
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" 
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, 
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!" 

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Short Title: Sexual2

Subject:      Foetus X-Mas
From:         atfiii@aol.com (Atfiii)
Date:         1997/12/08
Message-ID:   <19971208034400.WAA25561@ladder02.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.music.foetus

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a thing was stirring,
Especially from my spouse.

Her panties were hung by the fireplace with care
With the hope that CLINT RUIN would soon be there.
Her lusty thoughts nestled, all snug in her head
With thoughts of taking the Sick Man himself to bed.

My wife in her thong with her hands on her lap,
Settled down on the toilet for a long winter's crap.
When all of a sudden there came such a clatter.
She rushed out of the john to see what's the matter.

Down the chimney he came with eyes all aglow,
Saint Foetus himself, looking for that holiday blow.
My wife melted as if her thighs were like jelly
And he ripped a fart that was really quite smelly.

While I slept the whole night through until morning
He mounted my faithless wife on our new Corning.
On the piano, on the sofa, in all the secret places
They rode each other into the night, and made such faces.

And, when they made their departure with much fright
He screamed, "A hairy Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!"
 


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Short Title: Sexual3

Subject:      A Christmas Story
From:         mgguy@mailexcite.com
Date:         1997/12/24
Message-ID:   <34A14278.6E92@mailexcite.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.voyeurism

THE REAL CHRISTMAS STORY

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad
everyone was fucking, and no one was sad.
All of the dicks were covered with care
With hope a new tax deduction in nine months won't be there.

There was cousin Joe with wife Bess
what they did, I can't guess.
There was big Pete and his sister Kate;
with a two headed kid, they were told not to mate.

And Ma with her strap on and I with some cream
had just started trying to get my butt reamed.

The noises were many.
The complaints they were few.
When Santa came down
I had to ask, "Who knew?"

He blew down the chimney
He came into my room.
I said, "What do you want
you red clothed buffoon?"

He looked at me speechless
He took hold of ma's strap
He said, "What's going on here?"
What is all this crap?"

After wiping his hand off
He stood there in awe.
He could not believe
Everything that he saw.

With Ma in her garter
and me in blue silk
He said, "This sure is different
than cookies and milk."

He took out his camera
he put on his flash.
He proceeded to snap pictures
said, "I can sell these for cash."

As things got hotter
Santa started to sweat.
He took off his red suit
to see what he'd get.

His dick, it was tiny
just like his reindeer.
He said, "I don't give it a thought
once I get it in gear."

He then porked Ma
and went looking for more.
When he got through with me,
was I ever sore.

He said it was Rudolph
that gave him his speed.
And Donner and Blitzen
help satisfy his need.

"But this is far better!"
He said with a grin.
"Get me young women
I'll give you more kin."

The two headed kid
set him back for a sec.
But finding an opening,
he said, "What the heck.".

He took Fanny and Babs.
He took Carlos as well.
When he came up for air
He sure looked like hell.

There was Brook and Aunt Maud
cousin Fred and the twins.
He screwed Rover. And Peaches,
he sucked on her nins.

He then said "I'm hungry.
What can I eat?"
When Fred came in
Santa sucked on his meat.

The reindeer were at the windows
looking in with despair,
when all then saw Santa Claus
running around bare.

Cupid said to the others,
"This is the eighth time this eve.
If we don't get him out of here
I'll really be peaved."

All of a sudden,
with a rush and a roar,
the reindeer reared backed
and they broke in the door.

The reindeer, they ran in
some elves came in too.
I looked at them with interest
though my dick had turned blue.

As he wiped off his dick
and proceeded to dress
He said," I sure had a good time,
but my balls are a mess."

Some say this is theory.
Others say it's not true.
But I'm the one who was there,
Say, wasn't that you?!


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Short Title: Sexual4

Author:   CdBd3rd (Gary &/or Bren)
Email: cdbd3rd@postoffice.worldnet.att.net
Date: 1998/11/20
Forums: alt.hi.are.you.cute

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Fuckin' slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.

And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.

His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. 
"That was some cathouse," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for awhile."

He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
Next were some X-rated video clips.

A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I won't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.

He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
"Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch "
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,

Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free..
"I'm comin' home, woman " he sang with a smirk,
"So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt "

     [Gamma World] REVEL IN THE DIVINE RADIANT GLORY !!!
            [Devo] The Oath.  Know it, Live it!
           http://home.att.net/~cdbd3rd/home.html


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Short Title: Sexual5

from http://home.earthlink.net/~latinwolf7/xmas290.html

From: funnybone@lineone.net
Newsgroups: alt.humor,alt.jokes,alt.tasteless.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes,aus.jokes,eunet.jokes,rec.humor
Subject: Oral Sex Before Christmas
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 1999 
Organization: Mr Funny Bone International

'Twas the month before Christmas,
And just for a stunt,
Santa had his face buried
In Mrs. Claus' cunt.

There was a loud noise,
And Santa jumped with a start.
It seems Mrs. Claus had cut loose
With one hell of a fart.

All Santa could do was
gag and spit.
His face and his beard
Were all plastered with shit.

Mrs. Claus was still on the bed,
Panting and groaning,
Hollerin' for Santa to
Please get his bone in.

Santa started laughing and shouting,
And with a loud cheer,
He said "I know what I'll do,
I'll screw one of the deer."

They're cleaner and neater,
And don't you suppose,
They'll be just the right height,
If I stand on my toes.

Santa ran from the barn
Shaking his head at the noise.
"Jesus Christ, how was I to know
All the reindeer were boys?

It was getting about time
To head for the south.
Santa was hoping to be rid
Of the taste in his mouth.

As the reindeer proceeded
To line up all in fours,
Santa yelled "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus
This vibrator is yours.

While Santa rode in the dark night,
His ass frozen to the sled,
He started thinking of Mrs. Claus
At home in her warm bed.

Santa spun around in mid air,
And headed back to the pole,
They say he never got farther
From that hairy old hole.

The moral of this story,
Will end with this bit,
Any job that you do,
You just have to take shit..........

<> <> <> Mr Funny Bone International <> <> <>

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Short Title: Sexual6

from http://home.earthlink.net/~latinwolf7/xmas304.html

From: jackson@autobahn.mb.ca (Satyr)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling
Subject: (Tasteless Warning!!!) Twas The Night Before Christmas 
Sender: Satyr
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 01:18:04 GMT

T'was the night before Christmas, 
At Tammy Lynn's house 
Her crack dealer's hands
Were inside of her blouse
Her legs were spread apart in the air
In hopes that some Johns soon would be there
The makeup she stole covered most of her scabs 
A can of Raid killed almost all of her crabs

Then all on her face there arose such a splatter
It was thick like white paste and looked like cake batter
Away to the washroom she flew like white trash
Ripping a baggie, losing half of her stash
She knew the risks of sinking so low 
And the inherent dangers of a condom-less blow
But, then to her reddening eyes did appear
A bearded old man soaked in urine and beer

"Are you Santa Claus, so jolly and thick?"
She said with a grin as she fondled his prick
More rapid than sudden his trousers did stain
And he groaned and he shouted then thanked what's her name
"Oh, Sunny! Oh, Tammy! Oh, sweet wrestling vixen!
If only we'd met fore your cocaine addiction!
Let me play with your tits while you lean 'gainst the wall!
Now scratch away! Scratch away! Tickle my balls!"

As dry heaves before the hangover arrives 
When you reach that state, you'll mount anything alive
Then all of a sudden, his face did turn blue
As fear overwhelmed the influence of the brew
His dick started leaking, that was enough proof
Two legs or four? He thought she said "WOOF!"
A trip to the clinic would calm his nerves down
"Could you drop me off on your way to the Pound?" 
She put her left shoe on her right foot
Did the same with the other... "Let's go, you old coot!"
She loosened the mattress she kept on her back
Squeezed her fat ass into the car, said "I'll be right back!"

Her thighs - how they wrinkled! Her pimples like cherries! 
Her looks decomposing, her armpits were hairy!
The ravages of time were starting to show
Her breasts once pert reached her navel below 
Her breath overripe had stained her few teeth
If beauty is skin deep, she was Lita beneath
She had a scar face and a stretch marked belly
And she gave off an odor of yeast, KY Jelly

She was a rubbery dry hump, a diseased little elf 
And she laughed when she floored it, so proud of herself
In the blink of an eye and a foot made of lead
She ran over Santa, she wanted him dead
She said not a word and went straight to work
She burgled his sack and then thanked the jerk
She gave him the finger as he lay in repose
Then snorted white powder into her nose
Back into her car, she took off like a missle
The engine, it roared and started to whistle
But I heard her exclaim 'fore she drove out of sight 
"SAY NO TO DRUGS, MERRY CHRISTMAS... GOOD NIGHT!!!"


The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

The Unofficial Bruiser Brody Memorial Page 
http://www.geocities.com/bbrody_ca


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Short Title: Sexual7

From: ChairMan (why4@fu.com)
Subject: Twas the night before Christmas 
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Date: 2002-12-24 10:38:51 PST 

Twas the night before Christmas and naughty girl I
Went to offer my Santa Some sweet honey pie.
I knew he couldn't resist this sweet treat
I know for a fact tis his fave thing to eat.

So I put on my stockings my heels and my lipstick
And asked him to show me where he keeps his dipstick.
I went down on my knees and unzipped his fly
Then sucked his cock down un the blink of an eye.

He moaned and he whimpered as my tongue stroked his sac
He said this is better than all the toys in my pack!
His hands held my head as I continued to blow
Then he laid me down quickly, put his tongue down below

He was sure and so lively, made me scream and then beg
As he sucked on my clit and pinned down my legs.
"You're mine, you bad girl," he said with a spank
Then rolled me onto my stomach deep inside me he sank.

He rode me so hard I knew when he came
Because he panted, then shouted and called me by name.
He screwed me all night and without any warning
He tied me to the bed and shagged me til morning.

I am sure that the rest of the story is clear
You and I will be renting that suit again next year!


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Short Title: SexualBondage1

From: merwench (merwench@earthlink.net)
Subject: A Christmas Poem by merwench 
Newsgroups: soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
Date: 2001-12-23 13:57:48 PST 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ranch, 
Not a creature was stirring, and it wasn't by chance. 

The wench was strung up by the chimney with care,
Hoping her dear Master soon would be there.

The critters were nestled all warm on their rugs, 
The wench was still waiting, tied snug as a bug.

Then into the room there swept her dear Master.
He threw down his coat, and she heard evil laughter. 

"I've been busy shopping," he said with a leer. 
"I've brought lots of toys to give bad girls good cheer."

Then out of a black velvet bag he did pull
A whole bunch of toys to make happy her Yule!

A flogger, a paddle, a crop, and a whip,
A St. Andrew's cross, some clothespins to zip,

A collar locked up with a padlock quite tight,
And leather restraints that would hold her just right,

Nipple clamps, suction cups, speculums too,
A Wartenberg wheel, and mint-flavored lube, 

Some candles, some ropes, a new cupping set,
A new leather harness that made her quite wet,  

A blindfold, a gag, a new spanking bench,
And finally a bunny-fur mitt for the wench. 

The Master approached her, his eyes all a-twinkle,
And asked, "My dear wench, how's this little wrinkle?

"I'll tie you, I'll flog you, I'll pinch and I'll tickle,
"I'll have so much fun, putting you in a pickle!" 

The wench, she was speechless, her legs had gone weak,
As she dreamed of his hand going "smack!" on her cheeks. 

Her eyes cast submissively down to the floor, 
She was ready to answer when in through the door

Came another, dressed up in a red velvet suit,
With eight tiny reindeer in close, hot pursuit. 

"What is this?" the new one, old Santa, he asked. 
His eyebrow arched knowingly, slapping her ass.

"You perverts! You freaks! Is this Christmas to you?
"You've forgotten some of my favorite tools!"

Then out of his bag he pulled two more toys, 
Sure to bring pleasure to girls and to boys: 

A full bondage harness, made just for suspension,
A swing to go with it, that got her attention! 

Then back through the door old Santa did go,
And merwench and Master once more were alone.

"It's playtime," said Master, his eyes all aglint, 
As he started to fasten a clamp to her clit. 

She moaned, she sighed, she thrashed and she wriggled, 
And out in the yard she heard Santa giggle. 

Then Santa exclaimed, as their house he was leaving,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Beating!"

Merry Christmas from merwench & her darling Master!!
 merwench 2001
Use OK with attribution

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Short Title: SexualBondage2

From: W/ (sslonestar@charter.net)
Subject: "Twas The Night Before Christmas" 
Newsgroups: alt.booger.misc
Date: 2002-12-12 20:38:03 PST 

Bet Ya`ll Aint heard this one yet :))) rotflmao !

"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not a man nor a mouse.
The slaves hung their collars on hooks in the hall,
In hope that their Master would pay them a call.

Submissive`s were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of chastisement danced in their heads.
While some settled in for a long winter's nap,
I tried self-bondage with red Saran Wrap.

When out in the hall, there arose such a clatter,
I tried to escape and see what was the matter.
Pocket knife and scissors were just out of reach,
And I felt like a whale washed up on the beach.

fell off the bed then and onto the floor,
When I heard the soft creaking of my bedroom door.
Mummified, helpless, I shivered with fear,
The sound of large boots drawing ever so near.

Then a gloved  hand caressed me and brought me such calm,
I knew in a moment it must be my Dom.
But in moments he had me tied fast to the bed,
With my butt in the air and a hood on my head.

Then flogger, then paddle, then strap, and then cane,
Clothespins and lead weights, hot wax and cold chains.
From the top of my head to the tip of my toes,
My flesh stung and tingled and reddened to rose.

I heard the wind whistle: the bullwhip let fly,
It was all I could do to stifle a cry.
And just when I thought I could take it no more,
He stopped, and was quiet. O what was in store?

And then, in a twinkling, I heard his warm voice,
My safe word unneeded, he stopped at his choice.
He untied my hands, and turned me around,
Took off my blindfold, and I was unbound.

He was dressed all in black, from his gloves to his shoes,
And he gave me that look I can never refuse.
A bundle of toys had been stuffed in his pack,
To bind me and beat me -- a Christmas Eve snack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His smile was seductive, and a little bit scary!
He next had me hog tied, drawn up like a bow,
And put clamps on my nipples to ad d to my woe.

With a sharp sprig of holly clenched tight in my teeth,
He adorned me to look like a bright Christmas wreath.
He dumped out his bag - a shower of things,
From dildos to talons to harsh nipple rings.

And there an extension cord dead in my sights,
It wasn't for plugging in Christmas tree lights.
A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Secured all the bindings; tightened ropes with a jerk.
Then a cruel smile crossed over his bright lips,
And he admired his work with his hands on his hips.

Then he packed up his things, and moved to the door,
Was he planning to leave me? Would he come back for more?
And I heard him exclaim, as he moved out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT."


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Short Title: SexualCyberSex

Subject:      My Night Before Christmas
From:         acline1937@aol.com (ACline1937)
Date:         1997/12/26
Message-ID:   <19971226163100.LAA09334@ladder01.news.aol.com>
Newsgroups:   spk.phoenix

     MY NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
 Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

 No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
 There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

 There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
 I'll be alone, my computer and me.

 I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
 I'll just sit right here..... with windows ninety-five.

 There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
 None of my regular buddies are found.

 I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
 Age, sex, location is all that's about.

 As, I was about to go check out the net.
 I got an E-mail, that I didn't expect.

 A lady told me, she had read my profile.
 And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

 She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
 But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas eve.

 She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
 But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

 She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
 But, she said, her husband, left it on....... tonight.

 He's away on some business, He'll be gone all night.
 So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's alright".

 She started to tell me, about her whole life.
 How, she was expected to be a good wife.

 She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
 Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

 She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
 Then finally told me.......she was oversexed.

 She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
 He's always too busy, and getting too old.

 Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
 She ask me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

 I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
 Then after an hour, she got really good.

 After five hours, my fingers were sore.
 I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

 She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
 And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

 She said she would be on, the same time next year.
 Then ask, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

 She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
 It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

 She said bye, and signed off.....and I had to pause.
 I think I just cybered........with Mrs Santa Claus !!!!

      RatPack18@ior.com

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Short Title: SexualHondaAndVixen

From: pc_basement (ug@lee.com)
Subject: 'Twas the night before Christmas....
Newsgroups: rec.autos.makers.honda
Date: 2001-12-22 21:25:42 PST 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and my Honda's sick
Not a starter was stirring, not even a click;
The booster cables hung at the bumper with care 
in hopes that road service,  oon would be there

I went back in the house for my bladder to drain
While visions of a new battery danced in my brain
I grabbed a cold beer and some old pizza scrap  
And I'd just sat down for a long winter's crap...

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the john to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.  

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a beat up old tow-truck, and some coot in a beard,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I thought for a moment that it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles he hooked up the wires
He hooked them up backwards and my Civic caught fire!

He then passed out, it was clear he'd been drinking
His battery exploded and the wires were all stinking  
When the smoke cleared came a voice from the truck
"dad's been out drinking, now your Honda's all  Fu_%$ed"

I blinked twice to see through the smoke in the air
the tow-driver's 18 year-old-daughter was there.
She said "My name's  Vixen" as she took off her sweater 
"could I do something to make you feel better?"

"First DASHER! and DANCER! and PRANCER now VIXEN!
(not COMET! or CUPID! or DONNER and BLITZEN!)
On the top of the porch! on the top of the wall!
On the dash, on the dash, on the dash whoopee all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When you get a chance like that you don't let it go by
So up on the house-top me and that chick flew,
With a six pack of beer, and the booster cables too. 

And then, me and Vixen, laying pipe of the roof
(oh the prancing and pawing of her little hoofs!)
I was shaking the shingles, when I then heard a sound,
On the roof climbed her father, he came up with a bound.

He looked mighty pissed, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bunch of burned cables were stuck to his coat,
And he looked like a monster and smelled like a goat.

When he saw me and Vixen joined at the hip 
He was so shocked that he started to slip
He spoke not a word, but slipped straight off the roof,
And slammed on the hood of his truck with an "ooof!" 

He then sprang to his truck, and he let out a whistle,
And away his truck flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

with most Sincere aplogies to 
Major Henry Livingston Jr. (1748-1828)

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Short Title: SexualLeather

from http://home.earthlink.net/~latinwolf7/xmas293.html

From: leathergoddess@hotmail.com
Subject: Leather's Xmas Poem
Date: Sun, 28 Nov 1999 
Newsgroups: dillys.space,stationery.bitches-from-hell

T'was the fright before Christmas,
when all through my cave,
Not a creature was stirring, 
Not even my slave.

As I hung my fishnet stockings over the chimney with care
I heard St. Nick say,
*Leather Goddess,
Your new whips are over there*.

With a gleam in his eye,
he slid down his pants
Leather knew what to do
she was taking no chance.

As he climbed back up the chimney,
and onto the roof,
I heard whips cracking
and a reindeer's tiny little hoof.

As St. Nick climbed into his sleigh,
I hear him say to me,
* be naughty, dear Leather, 
and I'll be back right away!*

As he flew off 
and on out of sight,
Rudolph's nose and Santa's ass.......
Both glowed quite bright!

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Short Title: SexualSheep

From: northcountry (northcountry76@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: West Virginians will never change.... 
Newsgroups: alt.west-virginia
Date: 2002-12-20 11:38:25 PST 


'Twas a week before Christmas and down at the creche
'ol Joey was slippin' poor Lambchop the flesh.

Like a horse he was hung and his ass it was bare,
he was a' tappin some strange donning more wool than hair!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
He sprang from his ewe to see what was the matter

The moon on the breast of his freshly shagged sheep
Gave a luster to the lanolin on his gum-booted feet

When what to his bloodgorged balls should appear
But eight Charleston po-leece-mans, approaching from the rear

They spotted ol' Joey his winky a hangin'
jumpin' out from behind the sheep he'd been bangin'

"Hold it right there you deranged lunatic!"
"You can't molest sheep with the end of your dick!"

"What's wrong Officer!" said Joey, now shrunken in fear,
"This is by-God West Virginny, it's a tradition 'round here!"

They wrapped him burlap and cinched up the sack 
and gave him a cell with a big guy named Mack 

Mack twitched up his nose When Joey drew near
"Ah smells me some booty. Hey joy boy come here!"

So Joey wound up trading places with Lambchop
Ol' Mack did Deliverance,'til he gave up his last drop

Now Joey's a bride in the Charleston jail
He's first choice of squeeze when Mack wants some tail

So next time you pass by a Nativity
Don't stop for a quickie or even to pee!


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Short Title: SexualTorture

Subject:      Re: The Night Before Christmas ( Not written by me() )
From:         themarquis@NOSPAM.worldnet.att.net (The Marquis)
Date:         1997/12/11
Message-ID:   <66ngpf$hvu@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>
Newsgroups:   alt.torture

On Tue, 09 Dec 1997 19:37:18 GMT, rainbird@praxis.net (poenkitten) wrote:

The night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,
Mistress and Switch in Black Leather and Chains
Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes

When down in the Dungeon there came such a clatter
I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter
Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face
Forgot that my Domme had just lashed me in place!

Away to the window I made a mad dash
Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass
And then thru the smoke and the snow and the swirls
Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls

With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses
They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses
The drunken old driver stood holding his dick
I knew by the "red nose"  that this was old Nick

Slower than snails his chargers they came
And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name
"Come karen and Janet and Anna and Tammy
Pull the sleigh on or I'll paddle your fanny

And Connie and Jio and Bradley and Jilly
With your blazing red asses you look somewhat silly
Susan and Tom and Brien and Kay
You bend yourselves over..its floggings today"

Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell
And down the chimney he came screaming like hell
He staggered and stumbled and fell out the door
Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas you kinksters...and to all a GOOD NIGHT

"poena ipse voluptas" Pain is itself a pleasure
Now One Woman's Search       http://home.onestop.net/tomnpoen
Home of the Alt.Torture FAQ and Fred's Short Shorts  http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/1434
Alternative Lifestyle FAQ's  http://members.xoom.com/poenkitn
poenkitten's Poetry Site  http://www.angelfire.com/fl/poenkitten
Slaven In The Kitchen recipes from the heart  http://members.tripod.com/~poenkitten/index.html


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Short Title: Shopping1

From:   IN%"Frasier@ThePentagon.com"  "Frasier" 19-DEC-1996 14:54:45.59
To:	
CC:	
Subj:	The Night Before Christmas Shopping

The Night Before Christmas Shopping
By Greg Bulmash

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
Shoppers were busy, speeding around
A gift for Aunt Martha, a bathrobe for dad
And a Tickle-Me Elmo was not to be had

I was buckled tight into my seatbelt with hope
That I had not yet reached the end of my rope
And with a great twist, my car key did turn
From my driveway I sped, and I made rubber burn

And through the bright streets, all covered with lights
I sped like a rabbit, all shiv'ring with fright
I searched high and low, through the streets I did weave
To find a store open this late Christmas Eve.

The toy shop was closing, I raced to the door
I begged and I pleaded, I cried and implored
But I was condemned, some more I would roam
For all the employees were going straight home

Home was the place that I wanted to be
But alas there was nothing but air neath the tree
So I sped to the Wal-Mart for some last minute shopping
The parking was jammed, the store it was hopping

I pressed into the store through an exiting crowd
A large mass of people, all noisy and loud
Like locusts these people had shopped with great care
And left all the shelves quite empty and bare

I found an employee who stood by the door,
And grabbed at his vest, lifting him from the floor
"Just five measly gifts!  I don't care what they are!
I'll give you my wallet!  I'll give you my car!"

"We have nothing left," the poor man did squeak.
"We won't get a shipment 'til later this week."
I ran to my car and cursed at my luck
I kicked at the tire and then shouted "F**k!!!"

But time was a wasting as darkness fell down
Merchants were closing all over the town
The toy store, the book store, the Wal-Mart, oh crap!
The Good Guys and Best Buy, the Sears and the Gap

And now I was feeling the worst of my fears
My children would hate me for twenty-five years
A sign in the distance made me thank the powers
For written upon it: "Open 24 Hours"

For Tommy a Slurpee, for Ann a Slim Jim
And a carton of Camels for my lovely wife, Kim
Some lottery tickets for Mom and for Dad
And Penthouse and Playboy for my brother, Brad

In just a few minutes I got my shopping done
And headed right home for some holiday fun
As I turned at the corner and drove out of sight
I thanked 7-11 for being open all night!

-----
NEW AND IMPROVED IMPORTANT LEGAL STUFF:
This document is copyrighted.  That means it's MINE.  I spent a lot of
time working on it and I own it.  You can e-mail copies to friends with
my blessing so long as you DON'T CHANGE IT and you KEEP THIS NOTICE.
That is ALL you can do.  Anything else... get permission first because 
Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice.
-----
 

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Short Title: Shopping2

Date: Sun, 21 Dec 1997 20:36:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Holiday_Story.htm

       The Day Before Christmas
                                      
   Twas the day before Christmas
   and all the stores were quite hoppin'
   They waited until the last minute
   to finish their gift shoppin'

   There was pushing and shoving
   and grabbing for things
   From sweaters and dishes
   to big diamond rings

   The crowds were just buying
   all the stuff at the mall
   They just had to buy presents
   they had to have them all

   I kept walking and looking
   at the stuff on display
   I couldn't wait any longer
   for today was the last day

   As I went by the window
   a gift caught my eye
   I knew exactly what to get
   and it was time for me to buy

   As I went for the present
   a lady did speak
   "I saw it first.
   I saw it last week!"

   I was angry and upset
   as I began to glare
   At this mean old lady
   with silver white hair

   I shouted and yelled
   and called her some names:
   "You bastard, you whore, you mean little bitch"
   "You're ugly and nasty, you old little witch"

   She ran to the counter
   and complained quite a bit
   "He's crazy, he's mad
   and he just threw a fit"

   Mall security came running
   as I stood there and thought
   Look at all these gifts
   I could have just bought

   I was led out the store
   and not a person did stop
   They kept looking for presents
   and continued to shop

   I wasn't allowed back
   or even to peek through the glass
   I hate Christmas shopping
   its a pain in the ass

   I knew this would happen
   I knew it would suck
   As I walked out the door
   and went back to my truck

   So this I will tell you
   and listen quite well
   Waiting until the last minute
   will put you through Hell

   Do your shopping early
   start sometime in September
   And this short little story
   you should surely remember

   Do something different
   next year around fall
   Don't wait until the last minute
   to buy your gifts at the mall
   
   Story By: HaWho
 
 The A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S. Club
 The American Society of Social Humanitarians and Occupationally
 Licensed Engineers and Scientists
 http://members.aol.com/asclubsec/TheClub/Story/Holiday_Story.htm


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Short Title: Shopping3

Originally published in:
The Durham Herald-Sun
Sunday, December 24, 2000
Section E, page 1

'Twas the Night Before ...
by Flora Whitaker of Durham, NC

Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through the town,
Not a parking space for shopping could even be found.
The residents were headed straight to the mall
In hopes of buying seasonal presents for all.

The women were armed with purses full of plastic,
While the men went along to avoid their "spastics."
And mama in her Lexus with me by her side
Joined the other cars for the shoppers' ride.

When out on the road there came such a shout,
Mania slowed the Lexus to see what it was about.
Down the road she coasted to nearly a cruise  
traffic was so dismal; there was little to lose.

The lights of the cars in front of and behind us
Joined in unison to startle and almost blind us.
When what to our weakened eyes should appear
But a little old scooter so shiny and clear;

With a grown-up driver so quick and serene,
I knew Super Shopper had arrived on the scene!
More rapid than cashiers at Kmart she flew,
As she charged ahead of all the cars and ours too.

Now Chevys and Fords, Toyotas and Hondas she passed,
In order to lead and reach the mall super fast.
To the front of the convoy and onward to the mall;
Now dash away, dash away. She passed them all!

As an eagle soars above the sluggards below,
She scooted ahead leaving behind the flow
Of cars lined up so lustrous and straight
In hopes of soon making it to Northgate

And then in a flash Super Shopper left the rest  
Passing Northgate and heading on up Guess,
She made a suspicious right at Eckerd's drug store,
Went onward toward Northpoint and more!

A red and white plastic card she held in her hand,
As I craned my neck trying to figure out her plan.
Her eyes how they twinkled! Her purse it seemed to grow!
Was there something that only Super Shopper could know?

Her scooter reared upward and veered past the light,
While still the mysterious card she held so tight!
She spoke not a word but went straight to the line,
Validated the ominous card and read the sign

That said, "Photos inside"... "Low, low price ..."
"Ho hum", I heard her sigh. "Sure sounds nice."
She stayed inside for four hours, maybe more,
Filling her cart with presents and bargains galore.

Presently, she hopped onto her scooter and into the night.
But I heard her exclaim ere she rode out of sight,
"Shop till you drop." Then followed with a "Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas to all. Enjoy your new Costco"!

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Short Title: Shopping4

From: Russell Miller (rmiller@duskglow.com)
Subject: Off-topic: a christmas poem 
Newsgroups: rec.music.makers.piano
Date: 2003-12-06 18:00:54 PST 


Twas the day before christmas
and all through the land
all the registers ringing
all the aisles are manned

Everyone shops
for a camera, a toy
for that good little girl
and that good little boy

People drive east
and people drive west
all of them hope
that this christmas is best

No one cares any more
about those that are dear
just about if the day
will best that of last year

Just remember all this
when you fight with your honey
merry christmas to all
and spend lots of money.

(original poem, may be redistributed freely as long 
as attribution is provided)

--Russell


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Short Title: Sick

Forum: rec.arts.mystery
Subject:  Sick sick sick
Date: 12/08/1999
Author: NoDoze 

Twas the night before christmas and all through the house
the killer was killing, even the mouse

He scattered the bodies by the chimney with flare
not knowing who'd find them, not seeming to care

Then what to his demented eyes should appear
some fat guy with what looked like real tiny deer

He snuck up and wacked the guy in the suit
and loaded his van with all the new loot

He drove away singing with the radio in unison
wondering how to cook all this venison

BBWwwwaaaaa hahahahaha

Jon -
and they were singing, bye bye miss american pie
drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry......

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Short Title: SingleDad

Subject:      Poem for dads
From:         val23@hotmail.com
Date:         1997/12/09
Message-ID:   <881705103.845545473@dejanews.com>
Newsgroups:   alt.child-support

 The Night Before Xmas, Etc.

 'Twas the night before Xmas,
 And all through the house,
 Not a creature was stirring,
 No sign of the kids.

 That's because they don't even
 Live in this town.
 Another lone Xmas
 And dad's feeling down.

 He remembered the judge saying
 That this would be his year
 To have the kids over
 And give him reason to cheer.

 But she's got a new husband
 And she's built a new nest.
 "Xmas is for families ...."
 Well, you know the rest.

 Families don't include dads
 Who live all alone.
 Court orders mean nothing
 When moms' hearts turn to stone.

 So he stares out the window
 And ignores the TV.
 Jingles of St. Nick and happy children
 Aren't for the odd man out of a family.

 You can't order families,
 You can't order peace,
 When there's no one who listens
 In the courts or police.

 "Don't miss that child support,
 Your kids need their dad"
 Doesn't apply to time with your kids.
 Do you think we've been had?

 There's no Santa for you
 When it comes to Xmas with your kids.
 And then society wonders
 Why so many men hit the skids.

 There should be a happy ending
 Or a moral or two,
 But hey, this is the 90's ....
 Odds are, this will happen to you.

 

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Matthew Monroe in Richland, WA

Last Modified January 7, 2007